


Only Yours

by dddaehyun



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 17:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7767001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dddaehyun/pseuds/dddaehyun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are you okay?" Youngjae repeats, still by the door, and the few meters across the room feel like an ocean between them. "Did you...?"</p>
<p>Daehyun is silent as he shakes his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Yours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CmiMiu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CmiMiu/gifts).



* * *

 

 

"Daehyun?" Youngjae's voice sounds concerned through the bathroom door and the older can't blame him, he's been in here for at least fifteen minutes and for the most part of it he hadn't made a single sound to signal that he was even still alive. He was, though, his rapidly racing heart was proof enough for that.

"I'm... fine," he finally replies, hoping his voice doesn't immediately give away the turmoil of emotions currently causing havoc inside him. "I'll be out in a moment."

When he finally exits the bathroom, Youngjae is in front of him in an instant, a worried expression on his face, and Daehyun's heart aches with guilt when he shakes his head and the spark of hope in the younger man's eyes dims and dies.

"I'm sorry—" Daehyun starts but Youngjae hushes him with a shake of his head, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a tight hug that he sinks into immediately, burying his face in his boyfriend's shoulders. He isn't crying but his lies feel like heavy stones lodged in his chest.

Neither of them speaks much when they sit down for breakfast that day.

 

 

Daehyun only feels numb as he sits in the disturbingly plain office, listening to a near-sighted doctor talk and talk in front of him, a sickening mixture of blame, advice and ridicule coming from the man across the desk in front of him, but only a small fraction of it actually registers with him, his mind in too much of a shocked haze to grasp everything he was told in that moment.

Pregnant. He repeats the word in his head again and again, trying to turn it into something different, something opposite, but it was all in vain... there was no other way to look at this, no hidden meaning, nothing else. He was pregnant. Exactly the one thing he was hoping couldn't be true just a few days ago.

He could feel the bile rising in his throat at the thought, the strong urge to vomit just as the doctor was telling him about the occasional morning sickness he would likely face in the coming weeks. The irony isn't lost on him, especially since waking up feeling sick and throwing up in the bathroom was what had prompted this appointment in the first place.

His hands mechanically accept the brochures and papers he is given, shoving them as deep into his bag as possible without sparing them more than a fleeting, panicked glance. He doesn't want this to be reality but with every second it gets more and more real and Daehyun has to fight to hold back the tears that are threatening to break loose any moment now. He can't cry now, not when the doctor in front of him was already lost talking to himself about reckless youths and how they keep getting themselves pregnant all the time.

He hastily excuses himself when the air inside the office grows too suffocating, hurrying out of the door as fast as he can without making it obvious that he was pretty much fleeing by now. Right outside the door however, he freezes in his steps as Youngjae rises from the chair he had occupied previously, waiting for his boyfriend outside the doctor's office. He was the one who had found Daehyun in the morning, slumped over the toilet seat, retching heavily and throwing up last night's dinner. Concerned, he had convinced the older to see a doctor, and the same concern is still written on his face as he approaches with hurried steps.

It makes Daehyun's stomach twist in the most sickening way and he has to bite his tongue so hard he tastes blood to keep from throwing up right then and there in the hallway.

"What did they say?"

There is that glimmer of hope in Youngjae's eyes again and the truth is on the tip of Daehyun's tongue but he hasn't even accepted it himself yet, there was no way he could bring himself to confess this out loud right now, in the cold hallway, not even to the one he loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world. He clears his throat, tries to steady himself as best as possible, pressing the bag with the suspicious papers closer to his side.

"J-just... just a virus... Upset stomach. Maybe I caught something at work." Again he prays his voice doesn't give away his lie but Youngjae doesn't seem to notice. "I'll just... call in sick for a few days. Get some rest, you know."

"That's probably the best idea... I was worried."

Youngjae nods, wraps his arm around his waist in a gesture of affection and support and Daehyun absolutely melts into it, letting himself be led back to the car and brought back home. He absolutely doesn't deserve someone as caring as his boyfriend, especially not after lying to him like this, and the guilt and shame are already eating at him, only growing each time the younger gives him a smile or a few encouraging words.

But he can't tell him. His mind is a mess, a turmoil of a hundred different emotions all at once and it takes him all his remaining strength to keep up a calm facade in front of the other. Life is challenging enough right now, he doesn't need him to worry while he is trying to figure this out.

As if there was a lot to figure out, though. They are approaching their sixth anniversary and somewhere along the line fairly recently, Daehyun must've messed up so royally it was about to turn their lives and relationship completely upside down.

 

 

When they get home, Youngjae makes him curl up on the sofa with a steaming cup of tea in his hands.

"You're awfully pale, Dae..." Youngjae's concerned voice snaps him out of his frantic thoughts and Daehyun looks up, eyes meeting those of his boyfriend. "They must've given you some medication, right? Wait, I'll get it from your bag."

"I... no, I..." He knows there's a receipt still in his bag but it's with his brochures and papers and he can't let the younger see that. Not yet. "I'll be fine, the medication will only make me sleepy... I got my tea, right?"

"Still, it might be a good idea to get you some meds—"

"Look, Jae, I'm... not dying, okay?" Youngjae still looks hardly convinced but seems to let it slide for now, settling on the sofa next to the older, careful not to spill his hot beverage.

"I'm just worried..." he huffs, rubbing a hand over his face. He didn't get much sleep last night either, waking up long before sunrise to the sound of dry retching and whimpering from the bathroom.

"I know... I'm sorry."

"Hey," Youngjae smiles, kisses the top of his head, and Daehyun just about melts. "For better or worse, right."

 

 

From there, the days blend into a strange blur of weeks for Daehyun, things happening, work, friends, family, but it feels like he is just a spectator, watching himself from the outside, at a distance, present but never really part of anything. He knows that Youngjae notices his strange state, but after all his concerned questions only received "I'm fine, don't worry" as answers, the younger took the non-verbal route, taking care of him in any way he can, whenever possible. Unlike Daehyun, Youngjae has never been the sappy, overly emotional type, always gentle, warm and honest but sparse with his proclamations of love, but as the weeks pass, they become increasingly frequent and Daehyun finds himself struggling as much as he loves it, his resolve crumbling.

He could not bring himself to talk about his state, frantically checking every morning if there were any signs visible on his body, keeping his doctor's papers in his bag at all times, worried his boyfriend could stumble across them by accident if he left them around the apartment.

 

 

Two months after Youngjae found him throwing up in the bathroom and convinced him to see a doctor, Daehyun finally found himself at a breaking point as he left the doctor's office once again, this time with a small black and white piece of paper in his pocket.

There it was, final proof, there was no denying the truth now when he could look at it like that.

Deep in thought, he almost walks out of the building when he stops at the reception, finding himself staring at yet another brochure offered by the clinic. In his mental state, panicked, anxious and emotionally exhausted for weeks, he doesn't hesitate grabbing it, shoving it into his bag with the other papers and then rushing out before anyone could give him another judgemental look.

The next appointment is made easily, quietly in the morning after Youngjae had to leave for work. Now a few days of patience and waiting and then all the problems would be solved.

Right?

 

 

When the day of the appointment comes, Daehyun feels especially sick in the morning and it takes a lot of talking to convince Youngjae to go to work instead of calling in for a free day and staying at home.

"Are you sure—"

"Yes," Daehyun smiles and nods, kissing his boyfriend at the door. "I'll be fine... I feel better already. I'll eat something light and then go to work, that'll keep me occupied. I'm fine, don't worry."

He can tell the younger hates that sentence by now but he gives in eventually, and when he leaves, Daehyun waits by the window until he can't see his car anymore.  
The time had come. His appointment was in merely two hours, the last thing he could think of to solve this mess and make his life finally return to normal. Everything would be okay again, they could continue living normally as they have for years now, no one would judge them, and Youngjae—

He thinks about the hope in his boyfriend's eyes and feels sick again, fingers curling against the windowsill, tears welling up in his eyes. What the hell was he doing? Maybe he should really just...

No.

No, that was simply not an option, as much as it hurt. Daehyun shakes his head, rubs his hands over his face before heading towards the bathroom. Shower, get dressed, get ready, drive to the clinic. That was the plan. Easy steps, he could follow those. No doubt. No more doubts.

When he swallows around the lump in his throat, everything tastes like bile and acid.

 

 

The clinic is busy when Daehyun comes in, patients and nurses moving like a swarm of bees, but he manages to squeeze through and gives his name for his appointment. He avoids eye contact, catching the nurse's judgemental expression out of the corner of his vision, before he follows her through the hallways and to a separate waiting area. She shows him into a simple room with a plain bed, and he nods when he is told to wait until the doctor would be available. Busy day, lots of emergencies, hope you understand.

He does understand, but that doesn't make the waiting any easier. Nothing in the stark white room manages to catch his attention, distract his mind, and so he is left alone with his thoughts, his worries, his doubts, sitting on the edge of the bed and facing the small window, a sunny spring day outside as if his world wasn't being consumed by the darkness of fear and guilt.

It would be alright. It had to be. No one would ever know, and if no one ever knows, no one will ever judge him. No one will ever hate him. Youngjae... won't hate him for this, if he never learns about it. Everything will be alright.

He repeats it, like a mantra, trying to make it reality, trying to convince himself.

Somewhere down the hallway, a baby cries and Daehyun's heart aches with every beat.

 

 

It feels like he has been waiting for days when there is suddenly a knock on the door, startling him out of his thoughts and in a state of panic, he seriously considers just hiding in the closet and pretending he never showed up. But that would solve nothing.

"Yes?" he calls out, cringing when he hears how strained and flat his voice sounds, as if he was trying to speak around a plastic tube in his throat.

He looks up to see a doctor or nurse come into the room and take him to his appointment, but instead he sees Youngjae step in and he can feel all blood drain from his face. After barely just getting up from the bed, he has to sit down again or his legs would've failed right under him. The brochure and the black and white piece of paper in Youngjae's hand look sickeningly familiar.

"Are... you alright?" is the first thing the younger says and Daehyun feels like throwing up. Even now his boyfriend's biggest concern was his wellbeing, even after everything he did.

"Youngjae..."

"Are you okay?" Youngjae repeats, still by the door, and the few meters across the room feel like an ocean between them. "Did you...?"

Daehyun is silent as he shakes his head. No, he didn't have anything done yet, and he is not sure if he could bring his voice to work right now. Shock and quilt and panic had clogged up his throat, making even breathing an exhausting task, and for a few moments he seriously feels like fainting.

"I'm... so sorry, I—"

"Why?" This time, Youngjae slowly walks across the room, and Daehyun watches his every step. He trusts the younger, knows he would never yell or lay hand on him, but he could walk away, out of this room and out of his life, and there was nothing in the world Daehyun was more afraid of. So he breaks, his emotional barriers worn thin over weeks, unable to hold anything in anymore. Shoulders dropping as he sits on the bed he cries, face buried in his hand and he hates himself, hates how he leans into the embrace he knows he doesn't deserve, Youngjae's scent so comforting when he buries his face in his shoulder again, shaking like a leaf in a storm.

"My parents," he starts in a shaky voice, finally admitting the thing he had kept secret for so long. "They will h-hate me, they will... I'm such a d-disappointment..."

"Do they know?"

"No, I... But they would... ask for th-this... I know it. They a-always want me to be more like my... siblings. Work a proper job. Buy a house. Get married, have... kids. I-In that order. Not bring... shame to the family like... like I would. They'd want this..."

Above him, Youngjae sighs deeply, and Daehyun feels himself panicking because he can't tell the emotion behind that exhale. Annoyance? Frustration? Anger? He lifts his head, looks at his boyfriend, and feels genuinely surprised when he sees and expression of... worry?

"Do you want this?" his boyfriend asks and for a moment Daehyun has trouble understanding the question.

"My family—" he tries once again but Youngjae cuts him off with a firm shake of his head and tries again, speaking slower and with emphasis on the second word.  
"Do you want this?"

 

 

For a while, Daehyun doesn't know how to answer. When he grew up, it has always been "family first", the lesson so ingrained in his personality that deviating from it felt like the greatest betrayal. It takes him a few minutes of silence before a completely new realization dawns on him.

Youngjae. Youngjae was his family too. This... could be his own family...

When he finally speaks up, his voice is still shaky with emotion and insecurity but there is a spark of defiance in it that brings out a small smile on his boyfriend's face.

"No..." Daehyun frowns, the realization so sudden that he could barely believe himself. "No, I don't... want this. I don't want this, I want... us..."

"Are you sure?" Youngjae's unexpected question makes Daehyun doubt himself again but the younger continues speaking, quickly explaining his train of thought. "This is your decision, Dae. Not your family's, and not mine either. Only yours."

It's the last bit of reassurance Daehyun needs.

"I want us," he nods, even though the future still looks intimidating and unfamiliar to him now, but he knows he won't be alone for it.

 

 

"I want all three of us."

 

 

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written this kind of topic, it was a fun experience!  
> (This has potential for a sequel... hm...)


End file.
